Thanks, David! “Done” referred to the most recent change. The poem as a whole was done long ago, but keeps coming undone—something I’m always open to.
L1: I think I need “orb,” as I explained to Andrew, but “spent” is negotiable. It only just now occurred to me that not only is “orb” Miltonic, but also the trope of light being spent. I did consider “lost,” as well as “doused,” and my first version was “The orb of day’s withdrawn its luster.” The original is simply “has gone out,” like a lamp going out.
L3: I thought of “flap” and “flutter” as conveying the repetition of “sound, sound.” Adding another “flap” would work, I think, but I’ll need time to let that idea sink in.
I’m always open for business, David, and my regular customers are especially welcome!
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