[Jayne Osborn]

My ‘latex mother-in-law’ (that’s late and ex-)
had loathed me at first sight; I got the look
which summed me up: She’s only after sex,
she’s far too thin and she’s a useless cook.
Hah! Unbeknown to her, my apple pie
had earned me prizes (labelled, once, ‘World Class’)
but when I cut a piece she gave a sigh:
“It’s sour, the pastry’s soggy, fruit’s quite sparse;
what kind of apples have you used? They’re gross.’’
I told her, “Bramleys. I think they’re the best.”
The knife still in my hand, I came up close
behind her and… I think you might have guessed
what happened next. The judge had sympathised
with me in court. “You poor young thing,” he said,
“Bramleys are best. Your choice was criticised
unfairly; it’s her fault that woman’s dead.”