Thread: roundel
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Unread 02-21-2024, 02:36 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Quote:
My daughter and her best friends cheer.
So her less-than-best friends remain silent? I'm trying to think of a situation in which I'd say something like, "my son is in his room with his best friends" rather than "my son is in his room with his friends" -- unless perhaps something terrible had happened to him and I wanted to emphasise that those closest to him were there to offer comfort. OK, probably I'm over-objecting. It could be to convey that the friends with her were her closest friends, not just any group of friends -- though why that make much difference, I'm not sure.

I think that "friends" is probably the right word in this context, but the metre requires another syllable. Hence "buddies", "besties", "best friends" etc. Of the three, I think "besties" is best option, but tonally it's maybe still a little at odds with the voice of the rest of the poem. (I guess you could have "my daughter and her friends all cheer"). I guess you could have "my daughter and her school friends" (even if, in reality they didn't go to school), which tells us something about the age-group, that they're school-age.

Your explanation of the boy's father helps me see what "your father's discipline's severe" might mean, but I still think the line is unclear by itself. I reckon there might be a better way of getting some of that across, hinting at the religious element maybe. You also have "queer" as a possible rhyme here, I guess.

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 02-21-2024 at 04:27 PM.
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