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Unread 12-04-2011, 01:35 PM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Surrey, Canada
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Hi Lance,

The views of this poem are foreign to me, but I still find your latest version compelling. It’s getting close to being very good indeed.

I don’t think the first stanza is quite there yet, though it’s improving with each rendition. Right now I think the “blazonry-mockery” rhyme that’s holding you back (the French emphasizes “glorieux” through its rhyme). Perhaps something around “victorious / glorious” might work. I also think that “buffoon” isn’t the right word in line 3. You have brought out the essential contrast well, though.

In the final line, I don’t understand the idea of how a bloody mantle can become Christ’s skin. Maybe something straightforward like your crib—“Within the bloody mantle of your skin.”—might work.
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