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Unread 10-09-2021, 01:30 PM
Seree Zohar's Avatar
Seree Zohar Seree Zohar is offline
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: oy of the storm
Posts: 4,958

Hi Cameron,

Sometimes the reading mind and intuition connect instantly to something in a poem, and sometimes it just takes much longer. I've read this a few times but I guess perhaps during the work week the words just didn’t want to speak. Now after a quiet day I think I'm starting to catch on: the perception of an imminent train crash. But I'm having trouble envisaging the train as a maggot [which is short], envisioning its movement as worming [which is hardly high speed straight line but more a tipsy wobble of sorts]. I can't say ‘eye / like window’ is inspiring: I think both the wording and the line break are too awkward to maintain the kind of momentum needed for a seemingly impending crash. ‘any iced void’ – you’ve lost me there because I don’t have that experience in my experience-banks: would they suffocate? And it would seem iced voids can also be found at the centre of things. By which time, rather than feel that my breath’s being sucked out in anticipation, I just feel exhausted and not exactly trusting the words. I also wonder if ‘suddenly’ and ‘seemed’ are strong enough to convey the sense of ‘almost…’ – “How thin the window. / And the train bolts on.” – I've a hunch that more direct language will work better.
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