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Unread 02-20-2022, 11:00 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
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Julie, why are you avoiding "hair" as a rhyme word? Air does not scatter hair unless there is a breeze. I might suggest something like "A wafting breeze dispersed her golden hair" for L1. How about something like "and dreamy light beyond all measure lit" for L3? "Pity's hues" sounds very odd to me. Perhaps something like "sympathy" instead? I am not sure that "hues" really goes with the feeling. To get a true rhyme in L7, how about "fit" instead of "set"? I don't like your "appear it / spirit" rhyme; it sounds forced. Why not rhyme on "sun" instead? I'd suggest something like "the timbre of her speech like none / with which a merely human voice is tuned." Then for L12 you could do something like "A spirit from the skies, a living sun."

Susan
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