Hi Alexandra. How would it be if you simply lost lines 5-10? I'm not saying the poem would be done then - there'd still be a little bit of work to do on the last eight lines (especially the last two, for me) - but I think you'd be a good deal further forward.
Alternatively, for what it's worth, I think lines 1-4 are a great little poem in themselves.
Cheers
David
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