[Richard G]

Hi Jayne.

What fun this is - but am I really the only person who's noticed "the the" in the very first line?
Indeed you are (no prizes though.) Have changed, thanks.
Although, in terms of proof reading ...

I reminded me of that well-known proof-reading test:

Petard, pot. Kettle, petard? Or am I arriving late to the joke?

how about joining two stanzas together throughout the poem, and leaving the last (19th) one as a kind of stand-alone dénouement? It would have the added advantage of making the poem look a tad shorter, but without shortening it.
I've no objection (but might the eight line stanzas look a tad daunting/dense/off-putting?)

PS - just tried this and realised that having Mrs. Mac in the first stanza gave her an unnecessary prominence (so think I'll pass on this, for now.)

Please don't get rid of Mrs Macklin, I beg you!
No need for such extremes, Mrs. Mac stays.

It made me think of a 'mac' (i.e. mackintosh/raincoat, to go with the rain,
I imagine that's what I was thinking, but I try not to look too closely when coming up with names less they sound too contrived.
is this how you came to include 'Mrs Macklin'?
Actually, she was going to be the one squished, then I changed my mind, but liked the cut of her coat so kept her walk-on (walk-off) part.)

Is "Len" particularly significant in a way I'm not familiar with, other than my first thought, above?
I chose 'Len' (could have been 'Ken') because it's not significant in any way. To me there's something a little boring about the name (wasn't there a notoriously boring Len in some soap years back?) I was tempted by 'World of Llen' but that seemed to mock the language. 'World of Wen', however, never made it to the final.

OK, as you were! )
Well, if you're sure.

make it clearer that it's the adult teacher who's speaking?
I just wonder how 'clear' this needs to be, everyone seems to get there, in the end.
signalled to me it's the N's form room.)
That, and the opening, should be sufficient.

I hope this helps.
It does. Thank you.



Hi James.

I like the mention of the people passing by. I can’t put my finger on it, but this just seems to fit the poem. Maybe it underlines the random nature of life, of bad luck? And it adds to the charm of the poem.
To me they help establish a sense of place.

but it took me a little time to put that together.
I'll cling to that 'little' for now.

One last niggle.
Oh yeah?
Wouldn’t “that is why” be better? Maybe it’s just me, but it seems likely that the story is an answer to a student’s question regarding why the teacher doesn’t carry an umbrella. (And I see the long story in response to such a casual, mundane question as part of the charm of the poem.) Or it could be that I’m misunderstanding something (important) here…
No, I think you've just found an interpretation that I hadn't considered. Brilliant.
For me N is simply suggesting a possible reason for the cloud to have done what it did.

Loved it.
Thank you.



Hi R. S.

This compares favorably to some early Auden. I think especially of "Miss Gee." Some of the twists of syntax seem especially good in giving the story an element of folklore. This is one of the most original poems I've seen in a while. Very fine work.
Some may take exception, apparently, I'll just take the compliment. Thanks very much.



Hi David.

Nah. Maybe leave it as it is.
Well, as long as you're sure.


Thanks all.

RG.

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