Hi Glenn,
the final couplet still comes out of nowhere (maybe look to a new title to lay a bit of the groundwork?)
Unfortunately, “whizzed” also has a rather distasteful slang meaning, but I trust that won’t be a problem in context.
Not sure, you have 'plops' earlier (which might be seen as priming the pump.) Do they zip where you are?
and zip/speed round the ice rink with nary a spill.
Still think 'appear' is redundant (and the rhythm of that line's a bit ... tricky.)
their moms flutter, clucking like hens with a chick ?
The flash of the puck is their ultimate thrill.
Is it? I'd have thought that would be scoring/winning.
Genseric sacked Rome in the fifth century with admirable confidence.
I got the reference, just seemed a stretch is all. Never heard the fall of Rome being described as an act of 'admirable confidence'. How about 'with a swagger'?
His breakaway ends with expected result.
Rather flat, for me. I'll see your Vandal and raise you
His breakaway ends in a raucous tumult.
The belligerent father can’t help but insult.
Who or what?
Alternatively
The stadium shakes as the winners exult.
The din drowns out the hockey dad''s insult.
Final thought
For children sportsmanship is difficult
and it doesn't get easier when they're an adult.
RG
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