Julie, I like it. I enjoyed the intricate rhyme scheme, the variations in line lengths, the sense of an argument that is odd but can be followed on its jagged course. I thought at first that you were trying to follow Kipling's metrical variety, too, but your lines seem more regular in their pattern. The one point at which a suggestion occurred to me was in S3L7, where I felt that dropping the "and" at the start might help. But overall, I think you could be even more odd in your rhythms if you really want to imitate the freestyle of Kipling. Maybe you don't.
Susan
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