Hi Mark,
On moonless nights, in evening chill
I wondering if it's night or if it's evening. I guess it could be the evening before a moonless night. Still, you might lose "evening" and find something that adds some image. "In the misty chill" maybe, maybe for the alliteration? Or "bitter chill" as you have later?
I'm also thinking the lack of article is maybe a little off. "On moonless nights, in the evening chill" works better for me.
It DRIFTS DOWN from a LINE of TREES
I'm not enjoying the trochee substitution. I'm thinking this should bounce. When I read it I want to insert and "on" from after "drifts", though sensewise that might be questionable. Anyway, I reckon there'd be ways to avoid the trochee.
That fell 'cross her face like the moon's eclipse.
"fell 'cross her face" seems a little awkward. How about "that veiled her face like the moon's eclipse"? Or "hid"? I also wondered it makes more sense as, "like the moon eclipsed".
For once they laughed upon the cart
...
And she pledged hers to him.
Tensewise, should that be "they'd" and "she'd"? I also don't think "For" is necessary. It's implied. Maybe just "once they had laughed ..."
He'd took her in disgrace.
I guess this might work in the local dialect, but even as "he'd taken her in disgrace" it doesn't seem right. The disgrace is hers, presumably, not his.
One possibility, playing off "set":
And before the sun began to set
She'd risen in disgrace
In time a child inside her grew
And she hid herself inside.
I'm guessing she hid herself indoors? Or did she hide insider herself (withdrew pyschologically)? But either way I think the using "inside" a second time is awkward, making it sound like she hid inside her own body in the same way that the child is inside it, or that she hid herself inside the child.
"And she hid away and cried" might be an option.
And guessing at her hidden shame,
For two months and a day
He waited by her window pane
As his dog beside him lay.
Just thinking timescales. She dies in childbirth. So, he guesses her shame 6 or 7 months later? Then waits by her window? I'd imagine the pregnancy would be pretty obvious by this point, and likely word would already have spread.
A lot of responsibility, writing something for someone else to read! Good luck to both of you, and do let us know if it happens.
best,
Matt
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