Hi folks,
Thanks to those (both Jims, Susan, Joe, Glenn) who seem to think this is succeeding, on the whole. And thanks to those (Julie, Yves, Richard) who have given me lots of food for though about why it might not be.
I've added extra stanzas to try to address the general criticism that the shepherd and Nell's relationship barely seemed enough for him to take such drastic action. And I've made the rich man's son more villainous with Julie's suggestion of the child being conceived through a rape. I've tweaked a few other things here and there.
Susan, your suggestion of a two-beat last line intrigued me and I did like the sound of it at the end there. But I'm not sure I could sustain it. Also, looking again at Keats' poem, I see it doesn’t follow traditional ballad metre (4,3,4,3) up to the 4th line, it goes 4,4,4,2. If I tried to mimic his final dimeter I would get 4,3,4,2. I tried it with a couple of the verses and it didn't sound quite right. Glad you liked this.
Richard, your werewolf line made me smile once I got what you meant. Covered her face, yes? I can see, along with the moon image, how you got there. I've changed the line along with addressing some of your other reasonable nits. I'm not sure I understand your point about sitting in the snow. I think it's clear that when I say he waited for months at her window, I don't literally mean 24/7.
Thanks Joe and Jims M and R! I’d love to hear it sung. I hope she gets to read it,at least.
Thanks Glenn, glad you like it. In the last line, I wanted the idea that, since the dog is a ghost, it is the eternal present, so as far as he’s concerned the sheep are roaming free. But a couple of people have mentioned the ending,so I’ll have a think. Also, I think the name of the dog needs to be teased fairly early in the poem, given its significance. And I do want a milking stool in there.
Hi Julie and Yves. I’ve tried to address some of your concerns in the rewrite. Julie, even in the original I definitely didn’t mean to suggest that Nell herself is “cruel” and deserved her death. I wrote that “the view,
Though fair, would seem so cruel.” In other words, that as he looked at her, the situation seemed cruel to him, not necessarily the girl herself. As far as describing her and not him, I suppose I
am adhering to tradition here that beautiful girls are described in folk ballads and the men not so much. I don’t actually name him either. I’ve given their relationship a bit more weight and hopefully humanised her, so that her relationship with the rich guy isn’t purely mercenary but a way that she might potentially escape a fairly restricted life. Also, I’ve shortened his waiting span and only said that Nell dies, to suggest the abortion idea.
Thanks all. I did find this quite easy to write, and perhaps too easy, in that I could have worked it a bit more before posting. I feel like I’m relearning again, to be honest, in the hope that better poems come along.
Though I do like it. (Still waiting to hear what my niece thinks. Bloody teenagers!
)
Thanks for coming back, Julie! (I just noticed as I was typing this)