Michael, I like it. The rambling movement mimics what you are describing. My main nits are metrical, though I also think that "spotlit" or "spotlighted" works better than "spot lit." I think both metrically and in terms of meaning "jammed into handcuffs" beats "jammed in" (S6). For S14L3 how about "and Sundance played, and Butch declared that one dance"? You could lose the "that" but it helps put the stress on "one." For S18L3-S19L1, how about "their lives, these shadows of the past I chase, // these palimpsests– perhaps they feel my touch"?
Susan
|