John - thanks for the encouraging input - glad you like it.
Alexandra - you may be coming in late, but your comments were - as usual - helpful. I'll take the easy one first: I agree with the comma after "fly", and will add it.
Re the awkward ending in S1L3, it's tempting to say it was deliberate - and it does kind of work - but the truth is I was just sloppy. I'm going to replace that line with "But now it's stripped: we look on hopelessly". It smooths the meter, and I like the way the colon signals an abrupt change in tone. My only concern is that it may be too loud too soon. I'll change it and sleep on it.
I'm happy with "grapple to" and it has a kind of old-fashioned feeling that works in that passage - but your comment got me thinking. I wonder if "struggle" might work better. Made the change, and will sleep on that one as well. And thanks for the help.
I've indicated the recent changes in red, to keep you on your toes.
Last edited by Michael Cantor; 02-24-2024 at 11:29 PM.
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