[Jim Moonan]

.
revision 4
Words Thawed Fireside on a Cold Mid-Winter Evening

I
thaw
my words
tonight by fire.
Fossil notes flash-
frozen by elements and
etched on skull; thoughts
extracting a staccato song
thumbed with thick fingers:


hoar-frosted dune grass
snow-crusted sand
sea slushed slow
sky fogged gray
spumed waves
whitened sun
iced wind
and
I

.



Edits
S1was:
I
thaw
tonight
by the fire
my thoughts.
Fossilized notes
etched by elements
imbedded in my skull
extracting a crackling song:

S1L9: "thick" was "trembling"
1L3: "words" was "thoughts"
S1L7: "thoughts was "my brain"
S1L7: "skull" was "bone"
--------------------------------------

Defrosting Frothed Thoughts Fireside on a Bitter-Cold Evening In February


I
thaw
by fire
tonight
excavate
relic bones
dug from dunes
etched skull notes
this crackling song:

hoar-frost dune grass
snow-crusted sand
sea slush slow
spume waves
sky fog gray
white sun
ice wind
and
I
[/font]
Edits
S1L8 was "this sea-chirped song:"



------------------------------------
Revision 2

Half-Frozen

Half-frozen, atop wintry dunes
slurry sea and sky and land
winds, tides, glacial flows
elemental animal gods
thickened blood,
stolen breath,
tearing eyes

muscles knotted
hieroglyph skull
face fossilized
sea mouth roar

I thaw tonight
excavate lines
like relic bones
dug from dunes
a staccato song:

snow encrusted sand

milky spume waves

sea slushy slow

bent-over grass

sky fog gray

white sun

ice wind

me




--------------------------------------------------------------
Revision 1

Half-Frozen

Half-frozen, perched atop wintry dunes in the Province Lands
facing a panorama of slurry sea and sky and land sculpted
by winds and tides and glacial flows, as the elements
encircled me like animal gods conspiring to penetrate,
rendering me unable to articulate the scene with utterances
or scribble them with aching ungloved fingers, only able
to see with tearing eyes and halting, stolen breath,
my veins thickening with blood, muscles cramped
and knotted by north wind blast and sea roar,
feeling myself being fossilized into the frozen scape
that had scratched itself into the eyes of my skull
like a hieroglyphic song I thaw tonight
and place in lines like relics on a table
that form these staccato notes:

snow encrusted sand

waveless milky spume

sea slushy slow

bent-over grass

sky fog gray

white sun

ice wind

me


Edits

L1 was: I flash-froze myself today perched in the wintry dunes
"snow encrusted sand" was "snow crusted sand"
"waveless milky spume" was " chunked waves"
Last line was: and I
Title was "Flash-Frozen"
... and then the floodgate opened to little tweaks and changes too many to mention.




--------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
I See
.
A winter walk in the dunes on the Outer Cape


snow topped sand
stiff dune grass
sea slushy slow
spume waves
sky fog gray
white sun
ice wind
and
I



Edits
Title was See What I See
Last line was me



.