Alexandra, as I said, different tastes produce different effects. I hoped you could find something useful in my version of what would fit my tastes better. I have a lack of patience with extended description, even though I did pick up the symbolism of the accumulation of details and slowing of the narrative about the eddying pocket. I don't mind anapests in iambic verse. Readers, however, don't necessarily expect titles to be metrical, so I thought if you made it more clearly metrical, they might notice that. I noticed that "off/eye" don't rhyme, and it occurred to me that if you moved "you" to the rhyme position in place of "off," you would have a "you/eye" that would evoke the "you" and "I" of the poem. I don't always have time to explain all of my suggestions, so I sometimes use show instead of tell to demonstrate the possibilities that occur to me.
Susan
|