Okey dokey. On to Pushkin poem #2.
I do enjoy most of it, and I so admire your project of giving readers a sense of Pushkin’s formal characteristics.
Here, though it reads well overall, I felt there were some spots where antiquarianism sneaks in more than it needs to (the subject matter itself is obviously not likely to found in a poem in say,
The New Yorker, so already has an antique feel). E.g., I don’t necessary object to “oft” (which you have in line 2), but where it seems like an easy solution where others were possible, I view it skeptically. For instance, “I used to turn to my old lyre” might keep a more felt sense of Pushkin’s turning to his medium, poetry, to write about what he was feeling/thinking. “Commended to my lyre” is an awfully stuffy thing for a poet to say about his poetry, especially a poet as great as P.
In the same stanza “passions and desire” are rather redundant, and laziness or sloth is left out. I think “passions” could go to get that back in.
In S2, the inverted word order of “voice exalted” is really distracting, and makes P. sound stuffy rather than romantic and passionate. I’d fix it.
S3 reads nicely, but a couple of tweaks would be good in my opinion. “Unlooked-for tears” is a bit of clunky expression. Is a better one available? “Fragrant speeches” would sound warmer and more heartfelt as “Fragrant speaking” (speeches evoke political campaigns, etc.).
In S4L4, change “the dreams” to “my dreams”?
In S5L2, “of vanity” leaves out “worldly” so could refer to P. liking himself in the mirror. How about “of worldly pomp” or “of worldly cares”?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carl Copeland
I doubt an impersonal energy would act “in malice,” but Pushkin does have “Who,” so I’ve tried a change that also does without the filler word “uncanny.”
BTW, “called me out” would be closer to the original, but I was dissuaded by the idiomatic usage of “calling someone out.” What do you think?
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I like it. A little more idiomatic flavor helps the medicine go down, and there is nothing vulgar about it. The stanza is
so much better with "Who" back in there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carl Copeland
Pushkin is wearied with “toska,” a very Russian word that can be translated by anything from “boredom” and “melancholy” to “anguish” and “despair,” depending on context. Another problem here is that I’m pretty sold on the last line, and it’s hard to get a preceding line to connect with it grammatically. My original translation (you have it, in fact) rhymed “barren” with “despair in,” but I had misgivings about directly naming the mortal sin of despair. I’ll think more on this.
That aside, what do you think about “beyond bearing” strictly in metrical terms? An acquaintance of mine says “beyond” clashes with the trochaic meter and suggests “wearisome, past bearing.”
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I have a neighbor named Tosca (like Puccini’s), and she is very operatic. :-)
I agree with your friend about “beyond bearing” for metrical reasons, but also because the phrase felt forced anyway (and so does his), shoehorned in for syllable count. Would this work?
Burdened with a heart that’s barren,
mind without a use or aim:
this is more than I can bear in
life’s monotonous refrain.