Is this one done, Carl? I expect it is, with Andrew's help, but I can always add something if you're still open for business.
It's the first four lines that have caught my eye - all in a way that is similar to what Andrew experienced, I think. The first line, for instance, sounds really old-fashioned - Miltonic, as Andrew calls it - and also quite awkward, so that I almost wonder whether "lost its luster" (although quite a hackneyed phrase) wouldn't be better. It's the idea of spending luster that is bothering me - possibly wrongly.
And line 3 is clearly a tricky one. How would you feel about "Flap on, submissive sail, flap on and flutter"? If you don't like it, I can only say in its defence that it achieves the repeated verb of the original.
Line 4, on the other hand, I think is splendid.
And I don't think I had many major problems on the voyage, after that rather choppy departure.
My belated two penn'orth for you.
Cheers
David
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