I like the changes, Carl. I especially like the sounds in “stormy sea’s caprices,” and “sorry reaches” is a nice solution. Line 19 is crystal-clear now.
Thanks for the explanation of “orb” in line 1. I love details like that in the work of translation.
For line 3, I get what you’re saying about specific sound words, but I don’t think it’s true that anglophone poets wouldn’t use “noise.” I prefer “Make noise” to “Flap on” because the phrase is noisier and bolder, more evocative (for me anyway) of the physical presence of the sail.
I’m happy with “magic” before “landscape,” in part because two modifiers before “clime” felt piled-on.
For the conspicuous redundancy in “misery and gloom” in line 27, and since you are playing up the vegetation-seasonal metaphor (with “bloom” and “withered”), would something like “my heart to wintry frigidness and gloom” work?
And yes, Pushkin in terza rima would be fun. Send it along!
Andrew
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