Good to see some Pushkin here. I would have commented sooner but I’ve been traveling, away from the computer.
Just reading this through without looking at the crib, the first and second time reading it, I think it’s impressive work. The language and metrical shaping have a period feel, but not too-too and the romantic patina fits this piece.
Reading it against the prose crib, I’ll note a few things that stood out for me:
line 1: Why the Miltonic “orb” and not the simpler “light”?
line 3: How is “Sound, sound, obedient sail” translating to “Flap on, submissive sail, keep up your bluster”? I’m not getting the connection, and “keep up your bluster” seems to contradict the image of its being submissive or obedient.
(The same question applies to lines 15 and 39.)
line 6: Should “magic” modify “landscape” instead of “clime,” as it does (apparently) in the original?
line 12: Is “desperate love” the same as “mad love”? They can have similar meanings but “desperate” evokes an image of despair or melancholy, while “mad” is more passionate and energetic.
line 13: Would “all I had to suffer” keep the original’s sense better?
line 19: The syntactical inversion here doesn’t work, I don’t think: “just never to the shores forbidding”—I think I’m understanding correctly that you mean “forbidding” as a modifier for “shores,” though it could also be “forbidding / of” the native land in the next line.
I’m also not getting how “forbidding” works as a translation for “sad” in that line.
line 27: “misery” and “gloom”: one of these is conspicuous filler, especially for the simple “sad.”
I enjoyed this a lot, Carl.
Andrew
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