roundel
 

Hospitality DRAFT FOUR (plus a tweak to L2):

“You’re welcome. Here!” I leave the tray.
My daughter and her friends all cheer.
I never miss a chance to say
     You’re welcome here.

I make that mantra reappear

so repetition might convey
what might offend if made too clear:

Hey, Matt. I’m pretty sure you’re gay.
Your dad won't take it well, I fear.

If you’re disowned, or run away,
     you’re welcome here.


L2 was: My daughter and her nerd-tribe cheer.


Hospitality DRAFT THREE, plus tweaks to L2 and L8:

“You’re welcome. Here!” I leave the tray.
My daughter and her best friends cheer.
I never miss a chance to say
     You’re welcome here.

I make that mantra reappear

so repetition might convey
what might offend if made too clear:

Hey, Matt. I think you might be gay.
Your father’s discipline’s severe.

If you’re disowned, or run away,
     you’re welcome here.


L2 was: My daughter and her besties cheer.
L8 was: Hey, Paul! I’m pretty sure you’re gay.


Hospitality DRAFT TWO

“You’re welcome. Here!” I leave the tray
for Caroline to commandeer.
She’ll serve her four best friends and say,
     “You’re welcome here.”

She’ll make that mantra reappear
so repetition might convey
what might offend if made too clear:

Hey, Kevin. We suspect you’re gay.
Your father’s discipline’s severe.

If you’re disowned, or run away,
     you’re welcome here.


Hospitality DRAFT ONE

“You’re welcome. Here!” I leave the tray.
My daughter and her buddies cheer.
I never miss a chance to say
     You’re welcome here.

I’ve made that mantra reappear

so repetition might convey
what might offend if made too clear:

My gut says one of you is gay.
Your father’s discipline’s severe.

If you’re disowned, or run away,
     you’re welcome here.


L2 was: My daughter and her buddies cheer.
later: My daughter's hungry buddies cheer.
then reverted to: My daughter and her buddies cheer.

I think you're done. Good work!

It's a great roundel. My one reservation is the title, which seems bland. Maybe something like "Open Door."

Susan

Great use of offend and mantra.The title is suitably bland.

This is a well-made thing and a kind thing. And they don’t often appear together in poetry these days. So more power to you Julie.

As Susan says, there might be a better title. Something about the kindness of strangers? Or maybe not -- that might be dusting too much sugar over it.

I think the current title is the right one, Julie.

Nemo

I like this as well. The title fits it well. I guess you could think it hits the theme too squarely but I don't think so.

I like this. I also like Susan's suggestion of "Open Door." In the second stanza, you've nailed a truth about the instinct--a widespread one--to use generalities to avoid offense in this type of situation. This reminds me of all the churches in my area that in the past couple of years have started displaying signs saying "All are welcome here," some with rainbow designs, but none with any message more overt than that:given the prevailing public discourse, I'm sure that these signs are enough to do the trick.

Okay, "cheer" struck me as a bit glib, stylized, and rhyme-driven. Are the kids cheering about getting good eats or about the n's welcoming attitude, or both? I'm not sure I like this ambiguity so early on, especially when it seems like it got there mainly by accident, vis-a-vis the constraints of the form plus the convenience of the rhyme. The monosyllabic, common-word "here"/"cheer" thing is also irritating to me.

Dear Roger, Susan, Phil, Joe, Nemo, John, and Lexa,

Thanks very much for the encouragement, and for the suggestions. Tweak added to L2 above.

Susan (and Lexa), I appreciate the "Open Door" title suggestion, but I like the blandness of "Hospitality," in part because (for me at least) that term carries a certain class-and-culture-signifying vibe that is often associated with religious conservatism and its narrowly defined gender role expectations.

Lexa, I've decided that I do want to keep "cheer," but perhaps adding "hungry" to that line will provide some needed guidance on what prompted such a cheer. Better that than leaving the reader to conjecture that the narrator had really bad body odor or something else that made the kids really happy that he/she was leaving the room.

I don't like adding "hungry" while at the same time excluding the daughter from being one of the hungry ones. It makes it seem that perhaps the buddies are underprivileged friends whose hunger is an issue, while the daughter herself is quiet since she's well taken care of. I liked it fine the way you had it.