wullluf
 

After the wolf-thing eats him

After the wolf-thing eats him, after it shits
the parts of him that yield no sustenance
back out into the world, how come he thinks
he’s been reborn? He clearly is a dunce,

this chap. And yet – see how he skips along
without his skin. The weight he’s lost! The awful
weight of turgid flesh, see how that’s gone,
as if his world’s no longer made of offal.

But though he glides discarnate through the room,
all lipless grins, who really could suppose
he had won free, this bodiless buffoon?
Yet how relaxed he seems without his bones.

We steel ourselves. This surely will get nasty.
We hang around the wolf-thing, looking tasty.
.

I’ve heard of some drastic weight-loss programs, but being eaten by a wolf wins the cigar!
I like the slant rhymes, and am particularly fond of “awful/offal.” I also think “discarnate” is a jewel. I did wonder, though, about the bones. Wouldn’t they have survived the digestion process?

Matt,
This is really good. I am just going to say, quickly, that your slant rhyming is just amazing!
RM

awful/offal gets my prize. The weight/weight rep could be improved. Even turgid gut sounds like something.

This is damn good. It is no one else's voice. It's unique to you.

I will be back to read it more and may have something to say. Right now I don't see anything but more praise but if anything clicks I'll let you know.

Great work, Matt.

Fantastic, in every sense of the word.

I do wonder about rhyming "shits" with "thinks," but I guess it works as more of a conceptual rhyme than a phonetic one.

Yes, this universe is uniquely yours, Matt—though I think Tony may have been somewhere in the vicinity recently. I like the folksy idiom, the couplet and the “lipless grins” (which I didn’t recognize, but could be from Eliot). I like all the rhymes and am encouraged by the praise for a much-maligned identity rhyme. Cool.

Webster was much possessed by death
And saw the skull beneath the skin;
And breastless creatures under ground
Leaned backward with a lipless grin.
—Whispers of Immortality, TS Eliot

Glenn, Rick, Sam, John, Julie, Carl and Roger,

Thank you all for your comments. I'm glad this one seems to be working.


Glenn,

I'm thinking you've never met a wolf-thing :)

Rick,

Thanks, Rick. I do enjoy writing with slant rhymes.

Sam,

I'm hoping that the repetition of "weight" is doing some work in drawing out both the literal and existential meanings of "weight", but that's a useful comment, and I will give some thought to the repetition and possible alternatives.

Julie

In UK RP, it's a fully assonant rhyme /ʃɪts/ /θɪŋks/ -- the vowel sounds are identical. As a bonus there's also consonance with /s/ at the end of both, and what I'm going to call some "near-consonance", because /t/ and /k/ have similar sounds (both are "voiceless plosives"), as do the digraphs /ʃ/ and /θ/, (due to 'h' in both). So I don't hear it as weak phonetically. Can you say more about why it doesn't work for you? Do the vowel sounds differ from each other where you are? All that aside, I do like the idea of this being a conceptual rhyme!

John,

Thanks, John. That's good to read.

Carl and Roger

To save face, I'm going to pretend I knew the Eliot poem and was referencing it.


Thanks again, everyone.

Matt

Matt, it's terrific. It positively vibrates with scary energy.

Susan