Did some more tweaking on S3. Returned L8 to the original, and changed L4/L5. I think it's smoother now, less forced.

Hi Michael,

Coming here late. I agree with the positive points others have made, especially about the narrator and his tone and perspective. I like it a lot.

One suggestion: In stanza one, consider making some kind of change along the lines of

then a screech / of aging timber breaking, and it’s free,

maybe aged or ancient for aging, but aging might be better, suggesting the process of getting old rather than the accomplishment of it.

I keep getting tripped up on "the screech of aging," which strikes me as a "thing" but not what you're talking about. The comma sets it apart, I guess, and my mind wants to complete a thought when I get to it. Also, a change eliminates one of two modifiers (...!), turning "breaking" into a verb.

Rick

Rick - you're right, and I changed it, and thanks for the suggestion.

I'm a sucker for them, too, so I've mastered the keyboard shortcut abracadabras and now spend all day using Option-Hyphen to conjure en dashes (–) and Option-Shift-Hyphen to conjure em dashes (—).

I wasn't objecting to those. I was pointing out that one of them (S2L4) is actually a rather anemic-looking hyphen.

I love the decision to move the "Something is wrong" couplet closer to the beginning. Much more effective placement for both that and the neighbor interview on Fox.

I just noticed that the period before the neighbor-on-Fox couplet has somehow dropped out. You'll want to put that back in.

You might also consider breaking up that huge first sentence into two lines, full stop, then "But..."

Hi Michael,

I'm glad you like that move. But, now the double "ing"s kind of bothers me. How about "weathered" for "aging". Nice connection with the title and theme there, too.

RM

Thanks, Julie, for the suggestion about breaking up the opening sentence. Have done, and it reads much better now - stronger emphasis on the change. I'm not accustomed to getting - and using - so many good suggestions. Either I'm getting worse (or more receptive to advice) or you guys are getting better. But all the little ticks have made this a stronger poem. Thanks, all.

(Added in) - Rick - at last, a suggestion I can disagree with. At first glance I agreed with you regarding doubling up on the "ing"s, and "weathered" works well with the title. But the more I read it the more I felt that the double "ing"s help rather than hurt in this case, and that the line flows better sonically. It's a bit of a coin toss - and thanks for rereading - but I'm inclined to stick with both "ing"s. (Do I get a prize for the day's least erudite discussion of poetics?)

Oh - and Julie - thanks for the em dash help. It's the "alt" key on a PC, I discovered, but hitting an extra key doesn't work well with my hunt-and-hope typing, so I'll just stumble along as is.

I'm here to say I like this. I have no suggestions. It looks as though you've had quite a few. I only want to let you know I read it and like it.

I really enjoy this poem, Michael. The language is imaginative and visceral, and the meter is self-assured, raising only one uncertainty for me, below. The rhyme structure is interesting—the envelopes create an apt sense of resolutions being held in abeyance, while the repeated rhymes underscore the sense of the sea’s inexorability, and the couplets bring an air of slightly distanced commentary to the first and third stanzas, while in the second one, they maintain more of the active feel of the bulk, which seems fitting in this middle position. And yes, of course, the evocation of the mentality of the n is compelling.

Coming in late, I have the luxury of scraping the text for anything remaining to nit about. This might be one:

I’m not sure that the double trochee (as I perceive it) at the end of this line is the most effective use of language. My first reaction was to trip over the meter. My second reaction was to argue with myself over whether this trip enhanced the meaning somehow, or had an endearingly colloquial feel. I almost--but not quite--convinced myself that this variation did one or both of these things.

It’s interesting how just as you say

I feel as if I’m being tossed into the 19th century by the language itself. I love it!

I also like the double iamb in the second of these lines.

However,

sounds a bit weird to my ears because I’ve never heard the construction “grapple to.” I’m accustomed to “grapple with,” and Merriam-Webster’s usage example is one of this sort.

Would you consider adding a comma after “fly” here? Without it, one could momentarily mistakenly take this passage to mean that the gulls will be flying in order to stifle and repel said things themselves.

But again, I really like this.

John - thanks for the encouraging input - glad you like it.

Alexandra - you may be coming in late, but your comments were - as usual - helpful. I'll take the easy one first: I agree with the comma after "fly", and will add it.

Re the awkward ending in S1L3, it's tempting to say it was deliberate - and it does kind of work - but the truth is I was just sloppy. I'm going to replace that line with "But now it's stripped: we look on hopelessly". It smooths the meter, and I like the way the colon signals an abrupt change in tone. My only concern is that it may be too loud too soon. I'll change it and sleep on it.

I'm happy with "grapple to" and it has a kind of old-fashioned feeling that works in that passage - but your comment got me thinking. I wonder if "struggle" might work better. Made the change, and will sleep on that one as well. And thanks for the help.

I've indicated the recent changes in red, to keep you on your toes.