Aslan's Curse - be what you were born...

I always take my birth certificate
in case I feel the need to urinate
and find that other Ladies seem afeared
when they observe my Brian Blessed beard.

When my apology, in booming voice
explaining that I have no other choice
makes them cry "Rape!" and "Pervert!" I can show
conclusive proof I was not always so.

But seldom do I get the chance to make
the necessary gesture. They cry "fake!"
and there's no time to make myself believed
before I am arrested, unrelieved.

.

Radar keys sound a plausible solution, Ann. I certainly don't have any idea what's to do though. I'll just go back to being surprised at the variety of problems the world seems to have now.

Not fair Brian - I've been watching Dad's Army since I was in short trousers - which was last week, as it happens...

Perhaps he just meant that you are too young to have served alongside him.

I didn't intend to be unfair, Nicholas. I just hadn't realized that people still watch it - apart from my French wife, who has just discovered it, and is devouring the complete DVD set at a rate of knots.

Rest assured that I shan't address you as "Stupid boy!"

No offence taken. Reassuringly, despite the show being so long ago I'm fairly sure most of my English friends know it, and some of my foreign ones probably do too.

Private Frazer's refrain would probably be a good basis for a poem satirising the EU "In" campaign. I might do one later.

We're doomed I tell ye,
Doomed are we,
As doomed as doomed can be.
If we weren't ruled from Brussels
We'd be up the spout, without a doubt
Quite doomed. Oh, can't you see?!

We couldn't go on holidays,
We couldn't keep our food or trade,
We wouldn't have the laws they've made
To keep us on the straight and narrow.
Why we'd be doomed! Oh, can't you see?
Just like a marrow on the barrow.

You'd lose your job. You'd lose your wife.
Your kids would lose their school!
You'd be a slave to Abaddon,
Condemned to British rule.
We'd be so poor all on our own.
Quite doomed! All doomed to doom!
And what about the immigrants
For whom there isn't room?
Why if we left the EU
Then where would they go? Khartoum?

We're doomed I tell ye!
Doomed! Oh please,
Stay in the EU, do!
It's safer if they make our laws:
They know what's best for you.

(Not exactly news of the day, but …)

“The simple fact is that the cancer industry employs too many people and produces too much income to allow a cure to be found.”

They’d found a cheap and simple cure for cancer
But “lost” the formula. They called it “karma”.
“Yeah, lifelong pills, not healing, are the answer
To keep us filthy rich”, declared Big Pharma.

Brian, one of my favorite conspiracy theories ....

A Successful Poet Receives His Diagnosis of Terminal Cancer

The poet stills his lyre, bates his breath
As Cancer drums the slow tattoo of Death;
While hospitals and doctors start to euchre
The poet of his lifelong pile of lucre.

NEW ZEALAND’S INCREDIBLE HOUDINI OCTOPUS’ STAGES DARING, REAL-LIFE ESCAPE FROM AQUARIUM
http://www.techly.com.au/2016/04/14/...from-aquarium/

How Most Journalists Reported an Octopus's Escape from Aquarium

News stories all re-spew the selfsame spiel:
Inky broke out, like jailbirds with no deal,
“Like Finding Nemo... as Houdini did...
Hence, we behave like octopus and squid...
Was lonely, see, he acted just like us.”
Men have no brains in our esophagus!
Regarding molluscs in such terms of men
Finds Nemo, not this eight-armed alien.
Who writes he fled his prison like his hell,
Seals this enigma in mankind's fake cell.

m

This is one of my favorite conspiracies, how they kept McTeagle whose genius and unique style is undeniable from the canon.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W9p_NFm6qk